Solidarity Is More Important Than Liking People

We can’t afford to be falling out with fellow activists just because they’re annoying or whatever!

Every now and then there will be some drama in LGBT activist land as two people fall out. Rarely it’s because one of them has done something genuinely awful, but often it’s a personality clash, a disagreement over methodology, or over some inane nonsense that would take hours to get to the bottom of.

I try my hardest to fight for women and LGBT people’s rights. I really put a lot of effort into this and I genuinely care a lot, and that is true for so many others. In doing this I talk and work with lots of amazing people: some who do this as a full time job, some who have been doing it longer than I’ve been alive, some who are way more skilled than me, but also just a lot of people who put in their time and energy into working towards a better world for all of us… and some of them drive me up the fucking wall!

Annoying Allies

Some of the feminists and LGBT rights activists I work with I just don’t like as people. Often the only thing we have in common is our circumstance of birth or whatever, and that’s not really enough on its own to be friends with someone. Some activists who are good at what they do I just find tedious as people, and I’m sure that many think that about me! But I don’t have to be friends with someone to help them achieve something I believe in, and they don’t have to like me on a personal level in return. Some people are really good at research or letter writing or talking with MPs or all kinds of things I’m not good at, and I’m good at some things that many others aren’t. If we want to have the most impact we need to work together, offering our skills where we can and leaning on others when needed. This doesn’t mean thanklessly using people, it means accepting that people are all different and some of them you just won’t click with, but you can still work together.

I understand wanting to only interact with people you like, but that just often isn’t the case. Fighting for equality isn’t a fun hobby, it’s survival and we can’t afford to exclude people with valuable skills, or even people who just have time and energy, just because we personally wouldn’t have been friends if we met at the pub.

Differing Methodologies

I often worry that I am spending my effort in the wrong places or going about things the wrong way; it is not always obvious what the “right” thing to do is! But everyone is faced with the same problem; how can you possibly know for sure what the single best thing to do is in any given moment? You can certainly learn from past mistakes, and listen to those who are more experienced who have made more mistakes than you, but you’re never going to know for sure which possible strategy will be the best one. Should I be arguing with people on Twitter? Or is making YouTube videos better? Should I accept this invite to Right Wing News? It’s not always obvious. That means that sometimes you will clash with someone else on how to do something. That can be very frustrating as you think they are wasting their time, or even hindering what you are trying to do! But almost always having a big argument about it, or falling out with someone over it, just isn’t worth it.

There are so many people fighting for our rights and it’s going to take many different types of people taking many different approaches to make that happen. Try and find people who are doing things the way you want to and work with them, you don’t need to try and change how others are doing it. Now that certainly doesn’t mean you can’t offer feedback to someone who you think is wasting their time, and it doesn’t mean you should ignore all feedback from others. But it does mean that if you’ve had a discussion and you simply just do not agree, than that’s all you can do, they aren’t your enemy.

Mistakes, Misunderstandings And Pointless Disagreements

We are all under a lot of pressure at the moment and that causes people to have shorter tempers and to make bad decisions. Sometimes people make mistakes and they will need a while to cool down and realise they were wrong. Sometimes they will never acknowledge they are wrong! But if they aren’t going around actively causing harm and refusing to learn then is it really worth cutting ties over? Sometimes people are rude, sometimes they say stupid things, sometimes they don’t listen. That’s true for them, for me and for you. Give people room to grow, and accept that sometimes people are just wrong and its not always a big deal.

I am proper guilty of this next one, but… did you know you can just choose not to engage in discourse?! Do you really need to have an opinion on whatever the latest inter-community bullshit is? Is it really worth your time to spend 3 hours arguing with an ally about the specific definition of a certain word when you could be doing something far more important? Ok this guy has strong opinions on the word transsexual, you could argue with them for the next 4 days before blocking them, or you can just ignore it and work with them to achieve something worthwhile. Or if you really can’t stand them then you could just spend your time arguing with someone who wants to ruin your life instead, there are plenty of them around.

You don’t need to agree on everything, and I don’t mean that in a reactionary making-excuses-for-being-friends-with-a-Nazi kind of way. I mean that if your values are in the same place and you are fighting for the same thing, it’s ok that you don’t line up on some specific definition or whatever. Not all disagreements are of equal value, focus on the important ones.

Criticising Prominent People

No one is above criticism and you should never let something garbage slide from someone just because they are popular or successful. For this next bit take my apparent prominence (fml) into account, I don’t want this to sound like someone whining about being popular, but…

You only have limited time and energy to criticise people and sometimes I think our community spends a lot more time eating itself than fighting against those who are trying to ruin our lives. I get it, it’s much easier to talk to someone in your own community than it is to stand up to a Nazi or whatever, but sometimes this results in tearing down people who are working hard for all of us over something completely unimportant. There is a fine line between constructive criticism and just attacking people. Give people some slack and room to grow. If you don’t like what they’re doing then you don’t have to support them - make your own space or support someone doing something better!

Equally if you are a more prominent person you have to realise that at a certain point you will start getting more and more, harsher and harsher criticism from within the community. At a certain point there will be people who hate you and there is nothing you can do to avoid that. Just do not let the drama swallow you up. Listen to all criticism and think about it, then either take it on board and change what you’re doing, or ignore it. If you are not careful it can get to the point where reacting to your own allies and disagreeing over minor or personal bullshit will consume all of your time and energy and you will get nothing done.

Conclusion

This might seem like me lecturing the community, and I guess it is, but I’m not trying to say I’m better than anyone here - I’ve fallen out with people over nonsense too, I make mistakes, I wind people up, I’m far from perfect. But I do think we, as a community, can get better at realising what is important and when to spend our time and energy arguing with allies. I do not need to like X to share their article in a mainstream news source, I do not need to agree with Y about their take on the word queer to put them in contact with a journalist I know, I do not need to get an apology from Z over something they were wrong about in 2017 in order to know they do good work.

All I’m asking is when you feel yourself losing it with someone just stop and do a sanity check. Is this person trying their best and we’re clashing over something comparatively pointless? Are they actively causing harm or am I just disagreeing with their methods to do good? Is the disagreement we are having really important enough that it’s worth cutting ties over? Sometimes you just need to recognise that working together to fight for everyone’s rights is more important than your personal disagreements. Just stop replying, go vent to a friend and move on. You don’t have to like everyone.

(I am a bit worried that in writing this everyone I work with will read it and think that it’s about them and that I secretly hate them. I really hope that’s not the case, I promise this isn’t about anyone in particular, it’s just my feelings from years of watching the community in action. I have made so many amazing friends through this, but also loads of people who probably don’t consider me a friend who I respect greatly, and I really love you all!)